


Secrets

by Marrilyn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Broken Neck, Drama, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Episode: s11e10 The Devil in the Details, Fear, Feelings, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Magic, Magic-Users, OC, Original Character(s), Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Other, POV First Person, POV Original Character, POV Original Female Character, Post-Episode: s11e10 The Devil in the Details, Pre-Episode: s11e18 Hell's Angel, Reader-Insert, Resurrection, Resurrection Seal, Rowena (Supernatural) Whump, Rowena Can Love, Rowena Whump, She Just Needs Time, Temporary Character Death, Unrequited Love, Whump, Witches, she gets better, witch reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 07:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10213091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marrilyn/pseuds/Marrilyn
Summary: Reader watches as Lucifer breaks Rowena's neck. Her subsequent resurrection leads reader to confess how she really feels about her.





	

I don’t know what made me think this would be a good idea. Crowley, while somewhat softened by that whole human blood fiasco (turns out, demons tend to be pretty chatty when you toss them the right hex bag. Who would’ve thought?) , was still the King of Hell, one who could hold a centuries-old grudge. There was no way he was going to release Rowena to my custody; not if I asked nicely, and definitely not if I tried to threaten or blackmail him into it. He could kill both me and her with a snap of his fingers without giving it much thought.

I had to tread lightly.

I told Rowena to be wary of her son and the Winchesters, yet somehow she always ended up being roped into doing their bidding. It was always the same thing. She’d say no, they’d capture her, she’d go free, and then I would be forced to listen to hours–long tirades about how awful they all are and how she was going to kill them the next time she saw them.

She never acted on her threats, and each and every time it was me who had to reassure her that yes, she was perfectly capable of killing them, and no, being captured didn’t make her weak.

Even if it did, I wouldn’t mind.

Since the moment I asked her to mentor me, I thought of her as more than just a teacher. She was my best friend, an ally a rookie witch could only dream of. And, if I had any say in the matter, a lover.

I chuckled at the thought. As if someone as powerful as Rowena would ever lower their standards to settle for me. She was honest with me from the very beginning. She couldn’t love, she couldn’t care, and she certainly had no intention of learning how to anytime soon. Love is a weakness, she claimed, and she much preferred power and control over weakness that came with emotions.

There weren’t many things we disagreed on, and this was one of them. I believed in love. I believed in happiness and redemption and a better future. Rowena always found it funny, calling me naïve and saying I would change my mind when I grew older.

Perhaps I would. That didn’t change the fact that I loved her and wanted her in ways I knew I could never have her.

And honestly, who could blame me? She was a lot older than me, yes, yet somehow that rich life experience of hers made her all the more appealing. She was one of the most powerful witches alive, and I couldn’t help finding it adorable how such a tiny person could possess such devastating power.

Her hair was the most beautiful shade of red I have ever seen, and there was no greater joy than when she let me play with her bouncy curls in times when I needed comfort. Running my fingers through those soft, silky locks calmed me down, and Rowena, enjoying my compliments, was more than eager to sit beside me and allow me to caress her hair as I told her of all my woes.

For someone who couldn’t love, she was a surprisingly good listener, and an even better comforter. Her sweet tone of voice, alongside a casual “dear” and “darlin’” calmed me down like nothing else.

Voices echoed in the dark, gloomy corridors I was walking through; Crowley’s was soft, completely uncharacteristic for him, while Rowena’s had that usual sternness, hissing out words and breaking at certain points.

Was she crying? She couldn’t be. Rowena never cried, not unless she needed tears for manipulation.

I thought I’d heard it wrong, but when she continued, my suspicions were confirmed. I couldn’t make out what she was saying, but there indeed was a tinge of weakness in her tone.

A pang of pain shot through my heart, instantly replaced by anger. What did he do to her? Did he hurt her? I knew the possibilities to inflict pain on her were endless, what with that witch catcher he’d snapped around her neck, but a part of me still hoped he’d show her at least a tad bit of mercy. She was his mother, after all. A terrible, neglectful one, but his mother nonetheless.

I told her not to do this. Told her to stay out of it, to let them deal with Lucifer on their own. But, being the power–hungry bitch she was, she couldn’t miss a chance to meet the dark prince himself, in his own flesh and blood. I told her that he was dangerous, warned her to stay away, but she wouldn’t listen. She never listened.

It was hard, watching her swoon all over him like a teenage groupie at her favorite boy band’s concert, but I didn’t dare protest much. My feelings for her had to be kept secret. If I kept pestering her, suspicion would arise, and I couldn’t have that.

If she was to find out what I truly felt for her… I couldn’t even imagine what her reaction would be. Rejection, for certain. She’d probably laugh in my face and call me stupid for allowing myself to fall for the likes of her. And maybe she’d even tell me to leave.

I couldn’t have that, not now when I was doing so well with my magic. Not now that I had her trust, her friendship. I could live with being just her friend. As long as she was with me, teaching me, encouraging me, romance didn’t matter. What _did_ matter, however, was her having my back and me having hers.

Which was why I was here in the first place. Out of all places I’ve been to, Hell ranked amongst the top ten worst ones. I usually preferred the dark, but there was something about these grim, torch–lit halls that made me feel uneasy. Perhaps it was all the sulfur smell left behind by its demonic inhabitants. Or the fact that this is exactly where I would end up once I’m dead.

“Castiel?” I heard Crowley ask just as I was about take a turn for the room they were in, and frowned, confusion spreading across my face. What was the Winchesters’ lapdog still doing here? He usually never left their side and, being an angel, wasn’t exactly fond of Hell.

The angel let out something akin to a snort and, in a maniacal voice completely different from his usual gruff one, said: “Guess again.”

“No,” Crowley said, his voice strangely frightened.

It was only when Rowena spoke that the reality of the situation dawned on me, and I clasped a hand over my mouth to suppress a scream that threatened to tear from my throat.

“Lucifer,” she purred, not even attempting to hide her admiration.

I pushed myself up behind the nearest wall, one hand covering my mouth, and the other pressed against my chest, feeling my heartbeat whose pace was rapidly increasing, thudding against my chest loudly enough to echo. My body shook like crazy, all control lost in an instant as fear overcame me, rushing through my veins like a highly addictive drug.

She couldn’t have done that. She couldn’t have. Not after everything I told her, after I made her promise she wouldn’t do anything stupid.

 _Why?_ I thought. _Why would she do this? Why would she break the promise?_

 _Because she doesn’t love you,_ the sane part of my mind said.

Because she loved him.

That thought alone was enough for my eyes to well up with tears.

“I’m back, baby!” Lucifer beamed, prompting Rowena to let out a joyous gasp.

“It can’t be,” Crowley said. “You finished the spell.”

“But if he was already in another vessel…”

“Loophole!” Lucifer said cheerfully.

“Bloody hell,” Crowley swore.

I didn’t think there would ever come a time when I would agree with Crowley, yet here I was, doing just that.

A sound of steps echoed, then something, presumably a body, connected with a wall, falling to the ground with a loud, painful thud.

“Ooh, Rowena,” Lucifer said in a flirty manner that made me both sad and angry.

I took a cautious peek inside, tears falling freely at the sight of her walking over to him. _No,_ my mind begged. _Don’t do this. Don’t trust him._

“My liege.”

 _No._ I swallowed back a painful squeal, pressing my hand over my tightly shut lips with all the strength I could muster.

“You know,” Lucifer said, cautiously approaching her, “what you’ve done for me, I’ll never forget it.”

“It was my honour.”

She looked at him with utmost devotion, the way she looked at me in all my wildest daydreams. It broke my heart to see her so flustered over a man who would never love her, a man who didn’t give a damn about her. The look on his face was surprisingly easy to read. He was using her, and he didn’t bother to hide it. Her devotion had blinded her to the obvious, and I could tell he was enjoying getting her hopes up.

He was going to hurt her. I knew he was. He was going to do something to her, and the worst thing was, I couldn’t move a muscle. My entire body froze in its place, still like the statues adorning the halls.

“Yes,” Lucifer said, removing the witch catcher and tossing it onto the nearby table. “It was. You deserve a reward.”

He gently tapped her nose before lowering his finger to her lips.

“Or some little token of my affection.”

Rowena whimpered, letting out a breathless: “I… Thank ye.”

A tinge of jealousy squeezed at my heart, followed by a fresh stream of tears sliding down my swollen cheeks. He didn’t deserve to touch her like that. He didn’t deserve to be near her.

It should have been me. I should have been the one to caress her, to tell her sweet lies. I should have been the one she looked at like that.

Not him.

_Me._

I gulped as he leaned in to kiss her, and let out a sigh of relief when he backed away.

“Oh, just one teensy, tiny little question. Can anyone else open the cage?”

_Say yes! Please, say yes!_

“Just me.”

Damn it!

I took in a deep, steady breath, in a futile attempt to calm my trembling body. This wasn’t going to end well. I knew it wasn’t. He was going to hurt her.

With dread written all over my face I watched as Lucifer’s lips twisted into a crooked smile.

“Good,” he said

Rowena shot him a smile of her own, relaxing under the tender caress of his hand on her neck.

He leaned closer, resting his cheek against hers.

 _No,_ I thought. _Please, no. Don’t do this._

Throughout the barely lit hall, Rowena’s eyes found mine and her smile widened. She gently nodded at me, ignoring the wild shakes of my head, ignoring the tears that stained my face.

 _It’s okay,_ she mouthed.

It wasn’t. Nothing was okay. I gave my head a few more shakes, making it perfectly clear that I disapproved. She was foolish for trusting him. I loved her with all my heart, cared about her in ways I’ve never cared about anyone in my life, but I couldn’t forgive her for this. She’d done a bad thing, and she was going to pay.

If being a witch has taught me anything, it’s that karma is a cold-hearted bitch.

Rowena knew she could count on me, just like I knew I could count on her. I’ve always been on her side, stuck by her at her worst, gotten her out of trouble more times than I could count. Not once have I complained. Not once have I found it hard or wanted to back out.

Now a part of me wished I’ve never allowed myself to fall for her.

If I didn’t love her, watching her be used by the man she worshipped, the man I envied more than anything in the world, wouldn’t have hurt as much.

If I didn’t love her, letting her go wouldn’t be as hard.

Just as the thought passed, a spine–chilling cracking sounded and my eyes widened at the sight before me. Rowena’s head flew sideways, Lucifer’s hands tightly gripping her neck. In a swift move he released her, letting her limp, lifeless body collapse to the ground.

Both my hands covered my mouth as I swiftly backed away, huddling against the wall. Careful not to make a sound, I slid to the ground, choking back the sobs that arouse from within me.

She wasn’t gone. She couldn’t be. Not after everything we went through, after all the promises we made. She was supposed to teach me magic, make me into a witch as strong and powerful as herself.

Squeezing my eyes shut for a short moment, I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. Who was going to tease me now? Who was going to greet me after nights of heavy drinking and, in a heavy, incredibly charming Scottish accent, wish me a good morning and bring me tea and healing potions?

Who was I going to love from afar, growing silent hopes of my feelings being returned?

There was no one left for me anymore. I had no family and no friends. The only other people I knew were the Winchesters and Crowley, and they weren’t the kinds I wished the associate with.

Rowena was all I had. Ever since I met her, my life had a purpose, a meaning, something I’ve been lacking all throughout my childhood. There was always someone better than me, someone stronger, more talented. To hear her say I was better than them, that I had something they didn't…

It was wondrous!

And now she was gone like dust blown away by a gust of wind, along with all my hopes and dreams of a better future.

Maybe she was right. Maybe I really was naïve to think I could ever have a bright future. People like me – loners, outcasts – rarely had one.

Was there even any point to being a witch anymore? I had no one to teach me, no one to show me how to improve my natural talents.

I was a beginner, a mere nothing.

With her I had hopes.

Now I was back to square one.

I heard Lucifer mutter something to Crowley, and then the two of them exited the room, leaving the gate agape. I pressed my knees to my chest, curling into a fetal position, praying to all deities I could think of that my presence goes unnoticed.

My prayers were answered.

I waited until the sounds of footsteps faded before cautiously tiptoeing into the fire–lit room. I froze at the sight of Rowena lying motionless, her skin paler than usual, with her head facing the wall in an unnatural position the mere glance at which sent shivers down the back of my neck.

“Rowena?” I whispered through shivering lips, taking a slow, careful step forward.

I knew she couldn’t answer, but I needed to try. I owed her that much for letting her die.

I knelt down next to her, taking her outstretched hand into mine. I flinched at the coldness of her skin, used to its usual soft warmth. The gold nail-polish still adorned her perfectly manicured fingernails. It was me who got her to try something different, picking out a random nail–polish color off the shelf of one of the stores we visited and daring her to pull it off, teasing her that she couldn’t.

She more than just pulled it off. She rocked it!

“I’m sorry,” I said, my thumb caressing her soft skin. What I wouldn’t give for her fingers to squeeze mine just one more time, for her eyes to flutter open and lock with my own, so I could say the proper goodbye. “I love you.”

Letting out a pained whimper, I brought her hand to my lips and pressed a light kiss atop it.

“I’ll never forget you. You will always be my girl that wasn’t really mine. I love you so much, Rowena. Always will.”

All of a sudden her body stirred and I let out a shocked gasp, releasing her hand. My eyes widened at the sight of a purple light that trailed up from her leg before finally settling on her chest.

Taking a deep, sounding breath, she shot up into a sitting position, snapping her neck back into place with a crack that sent cool chills down my spine.

 _This can’t be real_ , I told myself, trying my hardest to maintain my calm demeanor while my insides raged like a thousand storms. _This can’t be happening!_ Still, I kept my eyes on her, not daring to blink, not daring to make a simple move for the fear of her disappearing if I was to do so kept me frozen in place.

“Rowena?” I said softly, the word barely leaving my shock–constricted throat.

She frantically looked around before her eyes finally settled on me, allowing relief to replace the panic on her face.

She softly whispered my name, and then her eyes narrowed in fury as she hissed: “Where is he?”

“He’s gone.”

Without thinking of the consequences, I threw my arms around her, wrapping her in a bone-crushing hug. I didn’t care how it was possible for her to be here again. I didn’t care that my secret was in danger of being revealed. The only thing that mattered was Rowena; her safety, her life.

“He’s gone,” I whispered, over and over again, tears falling freely down my reddened face. “He’s gone…”

It took a moment for Rowena to recover from the shock of my sudden actions. Her arms soon found themselves around me, rubbing gentle, soothing circles on my back.

“I’m sorry,” I wept. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“What’re ye apologizin’ for?” she asked, genuinely confused.

“I should’ve tried to save you,” I squeaked.

“My sweet girl,” she cooed, her voice sweet, nurturing, like that of a mother soothing her frightened child. “There’s nothin’ you could’ve done.”

“I just stood there and watched.”

The guilt will follow me to the grave.

“Ye kept yerself safe.” She took a breath before continuing. “Ye were right about him. I should’ve listened.”

“It doesn’t matter. None of it does. What’s important is that you’re here, you’re alive, and I love you so much. I thought I’d lost you and now you’re here, and I don’t ever want to be away from you again!”

The confession slipped from my lips before I could process what exactly I was saying. I didn’t care if she rejected me, not anymore. She could send me away all she wanted; she could curse me out and laugh in my face, but she would still be here, among the living, and that was what mattered the most. Even if I didn’t have her, even if I had to leave, I would know that she was safe from any harm.

I could live without her as long as she _lived._

She withdrew from the hug, looking me in the eye. “What did ye say?”

“I love you, okay?”

There was no going back now. The least I could do was stand strong, show her that I meant every single word. If one thing was for certain, it was that she mentored no coward.

“I love you. I know you can’t love me back, but I needed you to know that. You mean so much to me. When he… when he killed you, it was like my entire world fell apart. I’ve never felt more alone than when I thought I’d never see you again. You’re all that I have left and the thought of living without you drives me crazy. You can laugh and say I’m naïve, but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore. You’re here and I love you. That’s all that matters to me, the rest of the world be damned.”

For a while she said nothing, just stared at me while I wiped the incoming tears with the back of my trembling hand, futilely, for more would come rushing after every batch I’d wipe.

Then, her hand reached for my face, the softness of her palm caressing my tear-swollen cheek. “Don’t cry, darlin’.”

That only made me cry more.

“Shh,” she cooed, her finger tracing one of the tears that glistened on my cheek. “How long have ye felt like this?”

“Since we met,” I admitted.

Rowena’s face softened, taking on a guilty look. “Ye kept it a secret all this time?”

I discerned a hint of pride in her voice. She was impressed, I realized, and my heart jumped with joy. She wasn’t laughing. She wasn’t calling me names.

She was, I noticed happily, genuinely proud of me for managing to keep such a huge secret to myself for so long.

“You always said I was naïve for being so optimistic all the time,” I explained. “I thought, if I told you how I really felt, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I thought you’d tell me to leave, so I decided to keep quiet. I didn’t want to lose you. But now… I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Almost losing you made me realize that I could live without you as long as you’re alive.”

“Nobody’s leavin’ anybody,” she assured me.

“Aren’t you freaked?” I said, trying to hide my surprise. Out of all scenarios I’ve thought of, this was one that I couldn’t have conjured in my wildest, craziest dreams. To think she would be so calm, so damn understanding…

I never pegged her for such a gentle soul.

“Now, why would ye ask that?”

“Well, y'know… you’re my mentor. My friend. I mean, if my friend”, _if I had one, save you,_ I thought bitterly, “told me she’s in love with me, I’d probably be a little freaked.”

“I’m not,” she chuckled, waving off my concern. “I’m flattered.”

I frowned. “You are?”

“Aye. No one has said they loved me in a long time. I almost forgot what it’s like to hear those words.”

“Is it good?”

She nodded. “I have to tell ye, I–”

“I know you can’t love me back,” I cut her off, pulling on a small smile. “It’s okay. I understand.”

“It’s not that. I’m very fond of ye, Y/N.”

My heart swelled with joy. “What about Lucifer?”

A look of pure anger flashed over her face at the mention of his name. “Lucifer,” she spat his name, “was a mistake. An infatuation.”

“I saw the way you looked at him.” A tinge of jealousy crept onto my tear-stained face. “You never looked at me like that.”

“Aye,” she said, “I haven’t. I allowed myself to fall for his lies.”

She gave my cheek a tender tap.

“Ye’re the only one who’s never deceived me. I don’t say this much, but I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered softly. “Everything’s okay now.”

“I can’t promise ye I’ll be able to return yer feelings, but know that out of everyone, ye’re the only one I’d trust with my life.”

“That’s enough for me,” I told her. It was, in all honesty, more than enough. I shot her a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothin’, dear.”

I pulled her into another tight hug, burying my head in the crook of her neck. “Don’t you dare leave me again.”

“I don’t plan on it.”

“How did you even come back?

She rose up her dress, revealing a long, crooked scar along the upper side of her thigh. "It’s a Resurrection Seal,” she explained. “When you’ve lived through what I have, you learn to be prepared.”

I reached to touch it, running my finger over the protruding bit of skin. “Does it hurt?”

“Not anymore.”

I nodded in understanding. “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“It was a secret,” she said guiltily. “I suppose I should have told ye.”

“Yes, you should have.”

It came out a tad harsher than it was supposed to and I instantly felt bad. As angry as I was, the sane part of me knew she had no ill intentions. It was, after all, supposed to be a secret. The less people that knew, the better.

Still, that didn’t change the fact that, despite admitting to trusting me with her life, she never once thought it important to mention that she had a failsafe in case things went south.

“No more secrets, okay?” I asked, prompting her to give a decisive nod.

“I promise.”

There wasn’t a shred of doubt that her words were true. It was sudden, but she really had changed. She wasn’t the same person she was a mere few hours ago. This was a new, better Rowena I was talking to, and I knew, I knew it with all my heart, that she wasn’t lying to me.

“Can I have one of those seals?” I asked. I was in no hurry to die, especially now that I had a chance to win the girl of my dreams.

“Of course,” she said.

“Will it hurt?”

“Not as much as death.”

She had a point there.

I let out a small chuckle. “We should go before he comes back.”

She instinctively looked around. “Where did he go?”

“I don’t know, but he could be back anytime. We wasted enough time already.”

Talking about our feelings. In the very heart of Hell, no less. At the very least we weren’t cliché when it came to location. How many people can say they professed their love in Hell?

Rising to my feet, I helped Rowena get on hers, my hand tightly squeezing hers. Feeling brave, I leaned in and pressed a light kiss to her cheek, shooting her a bright smile.

She frowned, a small, playful smile creeping onto her lips. “What was that for?”

I smiled. “Everything.”


End file.
